By Micki Lavin-Pell, MS, www.relationship-renovation.com
While cheating is something that can be commonly found in relationships around the world since the beginning of time as humans have become more emotionally evolved we want to be able to create more emotionally committed monogamous relationships that can withstand the test of time. Before the industrial revolution most of humanity operated in a very functional way so as to get their basic physical needs (food, clothing and shelter) met. It used to be such an effort to meet one’s basic human needs that people had no head space to consider going about meeting their higher level needs such as love, esteem and self-actualization (based on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs).
As we now live in a society where our basic needs are met almost effortlessly, we can now maximize our human potential and truly achieve great relationships by allowing ourselves to get in touch with our higher level needs. The more in touch we each become with fulfilling our individual selves on our own, the better able we will be to achieve more satisfying relationships with others. This is because when we engage with our partner after having met the majority of our needs on our own they won’t feel used, but rather they will feel like a wonderful addition to ourselves. The more that we can achieve individual fulfillment on our own the less pressure there is to remain in a relationship. The more fulfilled we are the more likely our partner is to want to remain in a relationship with us out of desire rather than based on duty or responsibility. The less pressure a person feels to stay in a relationship, the more they will choose to remain.
Top 5 ways to keep your partner committed:
Make sure you have lots of creative outlets- the more interesting you feel, the less likely you will be to turn to your partner when you feel bored. Many people, men and women alike don’t have hobbies outside of work. They convince themselves that they have so much work to do that the only thing other than work that they have any time for is their relationship. By deflecting your need to be creatively stimulated on to your partner, you create unnecessary pressure that may cause your partner to resent you. This will be especially true if they have many things other than YOU happening in their life.
Make sure your partner is not your be-all end-all- When many people enter a relationship they drop everything else to create space for their partner. They feel that now that they have that special someone in their lives they have to “hang onto them for dear life.” The problem with “hanging on” to someone is that most independent people don’t like clingers. If they are emotionally healthy people, they want to be with someone who is as independent as they are.
Live a well-balanced life- The more we choose to have a variety of things happening in our lives: work, hobbies, exercise, spirituality, friends, family, etc… the more exciting we feel and the more attractive we become to our partners. When we feel out of balance and place all of our energy in one place we become dull. No one is appealing when they are dull. Variety is the spice of life. The more we mix things up, the more exciting we are to be around, and the less likely our partner will choose to focus their energy and attention elsewhere.
Be aware of your needs- The better able we are to meet our needs on our own the less pressured our partner will feel to be around us. When people feel that they HAVE to do something for someone else, they don’t really FEEL like doing it. This is the difference between
us fulfilling needs for ourselves, verses choosing a partner for the purpose of fulfilling needs for us.
The trick to fulfilling our own needs, and where many people fall short is that they mistakenly believe that it is up to their partner to know what our needs are and to fulfill them. In fact the exact opposite is true. If we really want to live a satisfying life, we have to first respect our relationship with ourselves by acknowledging what our needs are and then nourish ourselves by achieving the bulk of those needs. The ones that require some assistance we can then ask for help with. This frees us up to be more loving and giving individuals, and also makes us far more desirable.
Choose to feel fulfilled and nourished- Many people who have had poor relationships with their parents believe that the way to get a partner’s attention is by being pathetic and needy. While this may have gotten our parents attention (because they wanted to shut us up already) this is the biggest turnoff in a relationship. If we feel low or pathetic, we need to acknowledge this to ourselves first, and figure out how to get out of this low space. We should be able to share how we feel with our partners when we are down, however if this is the only feeling we ever share, we must ask ourselves, “why would our partner really want to be with someone who feels low and pathetic all the time.” The answer is,” They don’t, and neither would you.”
When we feel down
we need to find a way to overcome this on our own and not put
pressure on our partner to find answers to how we need to live our
The bottom line is that the more alive and vibrant we feel the more sexy and attractive we are. No one wants to miss out on being with someone sexy and attractive, and neither will your partner.
For more information on how to feel sexy and attractive contact Micki via her website:
Micki Lavin-Pell, MS, MA has been a practicing Marriage and Family Therapist since 2002. Micki completed her training at Alma Family Therapy in Melbourne, Australia. She currently lives in Jerusalem, Israel and sees clients from all over the world via Skype. She is also a qualified Prepare/Enrich educator. Prepare/Enrich is a research based program that exists in 13 different countries and has been proven to help newly-married and engaged couples create more successful and long lasting marriages. Since completing her coursework, Micki has had the pleasure of counseling both individuals and couples from varied and diverse backgrounds. Her work primarily consists of working with individuals who are looking to get married or couples in the early years of marriage looking for skills to improve all aspects of their relationship (communication, conflict resolution, finance, intimacy, in-laws, goal setting, etc…). Micki’s private practice is called Relationship Renovation, as she believes that we all have the ability to create and develop the relationship that we desire. Visit her website at: www.relationship-renovation.com